


Stone In Love

by DestielHardcoreLove, Swlfangirl



Series: A Tribute To Journey [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Bullying, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Homophobic Language, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 04:16:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13205772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DestielHardcoreLove/pseuds/DestielHardcoreLove, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swlfangirl/pseuds/Swlfangirl
Summary: Dean sat by the railroad tracks reminiscing back to when his life actually made sense and he was happy.





	Stone In Love

_Those crazy nights, I do remember in my youth_  
_I do recall, those were the best times, most of all_  
_In the heat with a blue jean girl_  
_Burnin' love comes once in a lifetime_  
_She found me singing by the rail road track_  
_Took me home, we danced by moonlight_  
  
_[Chorus:]_  
_Those summer nights are callin',_  
_stone in love_  
_Can't help myself I'm fallin'_  
_stone in love_  
  
_Old dusty roads, led to the river_  
_Runnin' slow_  
_She pulled me down, and in clover_  
_We'd go 'round_  
_In the heat with a blue jean girl_  
_Burnin' love comes once in a lifetime_  
_Oo the memories never fade away_  
_Golden girl, I'll keep you forever._

 

* * *

 

 

The toe of his well worn boot tapped against the rusty iron rails, his mind flashing back to happier days. 

It was the last time he can remember truly feeling like the master of his own fate. 

College wasn’t for him, so he went to work straight out of high school. Started off at Uncle Bobby’s shop until some pretty brunette named Laura found herself stuck in the middle of Kansas on a trip cross country. She told him there was nothing he couldn’t do if he’d sign on as her client and while some days were worse than others, it turned out that she was right. 

They’d started with modeling and though Dean hated almost every minute of the pretentious bullshit that surrounded every shoot, it more than paid for Sammy’s education. Then Laura decided they needed to “re-brand” which thankfully meant Dean was allowed to be more himself. 

Then came the acting. 

It was so much better than modeling, but that wasn’t saying much. In his younger years he enjoyed  _ some _ of the attention but lately it had gotten way out of control. 

Hence, the field trip. 

Laura was going to be pissed when he got back to Cali but at that specific moment, Dean truly couldn't care less. 

He was constantly in the media, splashed on magazine covers, and under some ridiculously fake headline in the tabloids. It had gotten to the point where he didn’t enjoy looking in a mirror anymore, to be honest. 

Still, for the most part he’d had a good life, a privileged one even. Dean Winchester was undoubtedly one of the most famous celebrities in the US and yet he wasn’t happy. 

He took a seat on the old weathered bench a few yards from the tracks and breathed out a sigh. 

Sixteen years.

Sixteen years had passed and no matter how much good he had in his life, Dean still felt the heavy ache of what he missed.,  _ who  _ he missed. 

Sixteen years since two young boys fumbled their way toward one another. Smiling he replayed that day in his head. Dean tried to remember every detail that was etched in the back corners of his mind, disappointed that even the smallest ones had faded over time. 

There were some things though, some things he could never forget.

* * *

_ Castiel roamed aimlessly, his feet sliding off of the slippery tracks here and there.  His senior year in high school was about to start in a few days and he was still deciding if he was excited or downright terrified of that fact.  He was going to finally get out of this hell hole of a town.  All he needed was his acceptance letter that probably wouldn't come until the end of this school year.  His grades he wasn't worried about, he was well on the way to becoming his class' Valedictorian but the moving away from his family bit?  That he most definitely scared him even if he was only close to his older cousin Gabriel.   _

_ “Oh crap!” Castiel yelped as he misjudged his next step and slipped too far to the right and landed hard on the ground.  Sighing heavily he was unaware of eyes watching him but nearly broke his neck with how fast he twisted it when he heard a chuckle. _

_ “Hey, man. You alright?” Dean asked, the poor guy was going to have one hell of a bruise on his ass the next day, that much he knew.  _

_ “I’m perfectly alright,” Castiel snapped, attempting to get back up on his feet when he hissed.  If this wasn’t the most cliched thing to happen… _

_ “Um...can...can you help me?  My foots stuck,” he asked looking over at the stranger again.  It was a boy he’d never seen before.  He seemed to be the same age as Castiel, maybe a bit older with dark blonde hair.  The moment the guy moved into the sun Castiel was able to see his eyes.  He’d seen plenty of people with green eyes before but never ones this color.  Candy apple green with a hint of whiskey brown.  Castiel’s heart pounded a bit in his chest as the boy move closer, his plush lips turning up into teasing grin. _

_ “I’d love to but you gotta promise not to skitter away if I set you free, would hate to miss out on getting to know you,” he said, feeling more brave than he’d probably ever felt. Something about the guy was just drawing him in and Dean was lost the minute their eyes locked and he felt that surge of fire and ice, adrenaline and raging storms. Somehow it was like his insides just lit up with one little glance.  _

_ Castiel felt his cheeks grow warm but he nodded, biting on his bottom lip as strong hands grabbed a hold of his shin and gently twisting it a bit before his foot was free, “Thanks,” he said softly.  One of those hands appeared in front of his face and he blushed all over again as he took it, allowing for himself to be lifted from the ground.   _

_ “A-Are you new around here?  I’ve never seen you before,” he said. _

_ “Yeah, well sort of. I’ve been through here a few times but we uh, we usually hit the road again pretty soon. Stickin’ around this time though,” Dean said, his heart thumping wildly in his chest. He wasn’t usually the kind of guy who revealed anything personal, private about himself but he still knew that any question from blue eyes and he’d spill his deepest darkest secrets.  _

_ “Oh...well.  That’s good.  I’m Castiel, Castiel Novak.  Will you be going to Kripke High School?” Castiel asked, blushing at how fast his words were coming out.   _

_ Dean nodded, taking a second to process the name. “Dean, Winchester.”  _

_ “So tell me, Cas. How do people feel about queers around here? I mean my Uncle Bobby is cool about it but he loves me so he kinda has to be,” Dean asked, wincing a little inside himself when Castiel flinched. He probably could have sugar coated it or something but it wasn’t really his style.  _

_ Castiel felt his mouth open and close a few times.  The word shocked him a bit, it was a bold thing to say.  One he wouldn’t utter himself seeing as how he was still tucked tightly away in the closet.  Biting down on his lip again he shrugged. _

_ “I don’t know honestly.  I keep to myself mostly,” he said looking down and then back up at Dean.  He didn’t understand why it was easy to admit this thing about himself that he’d kept under lock and key but somewho Dean made him feel comfortable.  Safe. _

_ “Well, that’s okay...I guess we’ll see come August. I don’t usually enjoy painting a target on my back but I like hiding who I am even less. Luckily for me, I’m pretty scrappy so it’s never gotten too bad.”  _

_ Dean let the warm breeze flow around them for a few beats, the silence tentative but comfortable.  _

_ “What about you, Cas. Do you have a problem with queers?” _

_ Castiel’s eyes widened, shaking his head fast, “No, of course not!”  He swallowed hard and stupidly looked around as if there were people out on the tracks besides them, “I-I’m one too,” he whispered. _

_ “Guess we’ll have to stick together then,” Dean said, brushing his shoulder against Castiel’s. His smile spread until it felt like it was taking up his whole face. He warmed quickly to the idea that if nothing else, he’d made a friend. Though, the thoughts he was having about Castiel were a little more than friendly.  _

* * *

__  
  


_ “Hey look there goes little Fagstiel!”  _

_ Castiel flinched at the slur but kept his head down as he hurried towards his locker.  God why had he been so stupid to actually confide in ANYONE besides Dean?  He really thought Meg was trying to be his friend.  It had been an easy slip, not even words had passed but she asked him if he had plans for the winter social coming up.  He shrugged but found himself glancing over at the back of Dean’s head as they all worked on their group projects in Economics.  It only took two days for the rumor to spread that Castiel was gay and since then he’d been avoiding Dean as much as possible.   _

_ There was a hard shove to his right and he gasped as his left shoulder slammed roughly into the lockers.  His eyes instantly teared up with the pain as cruel laughter seemed to echo all around him, that slur being tossed around over and over again. _

_ “Aww, the little fag’s gonna cry now!  What a little bitch.” _

_ Castiel pushed his way past them, vision completely blurred by now.  When more gentle hands grabbed at his arm he shoved them as hard as he could, not realizing it was Dean until it was too late. _

_ “J-Just leave me alone,” he said thickly, sniffling as he spun on his heel to get out of the hallway as quickly as he could. _

_ Dean felt his world crumbling around him as Castiel sped away from him but he let him go. This time, at least. For now, he had other plans.  _

_ “What seems to be the problem here, fellas?” Dean asked, though caught the tail end of their assault.  _

_ “Oh nothin, just having a little fun with Fagstiel is all,” Brady snickered.  He liked Dean, even though the guy was not a team player in the slightest.  Him and his friends had been trying to get the guy to join their group for over a month now but the guy seemed content in being by himself, “You wanna tag along after school?  The dumbass still walks home.” _

_ “You know, actually I would. Why don’t you meet me out on the parking lot after the final bell...seems we have a few things to sort out,” Dean said, his grin going a little feral with his blood pumping so quickly that his pulse felt like it was in his eardrum.  _

_ Dean patted Brady on the back a little harder than he would a friend, the look on Castiel’s face only feeding the fire of his anger. He managed to get through the next two classes and headed to seventh period which thankfully, was the one class he had with his blue eyed angel. He rushed to get there, sliding into the seat beside Castiel before that bitch Meg had the chance.  _

_ “Hey, so I know you wanted some space but I was thinkin’ maybe I’d give you a ride home after school…”  _

_ Castiel didn’t look over at Dean.  His face was a mess, all red and splotchy.  Meg was sitting over in one of the corners of the classroom, her snickers easily heard over the low murmur of everyone else.  He gripped at his desk until his knuckles turned white.  This was supposed to be a good year, his last in this shitty school.  One stupid mistake was making it pure hell and he wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to last until the end if this crap kept up.   _

_ Castiel’s entire body jolted almost painfully when something warm and soft touched the back of his cold hand.  This time he did look over at Dean and felt the knot in his throat loosen at the earnest expression on Dean’s face. _

_ “If you wouldn't mind,” Castiel whispered, eyes flicking down at Dean’s hand on top of his. _

_ “Anytime, Cas...I mean that. I uh, I just gotta do something before we go....Brady’s gonna be waiting out there and I think maybe you should hang around in here with Coach for a bit until I get it worked out,” Dean said, squeezing at Cas’ hand, feeling like it was almost a plea. “I just think maybe you’ve been through enough for today.” _

_ “Dean...what are you going to do?” Castiel asked, eyes growing wide.  He never got a chance to hear Dean’s reply.  The final bell was ringing and Castiel was forced to separate from Dean to join his group.  His skin crawled when Meg took the seat next to him, that ever present feral grin on her face.  Thankfully anything that wasn’t project related was shut down quickly. _

_ Thankfully when the bell rang Dean was by his side, not giving Meg the chance to say anything as the class hurried out of the room. _

_ “Dean, please don’t do anything stupid,” Castiel begged, grabbing onto his hand to keep him back.  _

_ “Hey, look at me… I’ll be fine, Cas. These assholes just need someone to stand up to them. I’ll come back in after you in a few, don’t worry.” With one more squeeze of their hands, Dean pulled away and headed outside.  _

_ Castiel opened his mouth to tell Dean to stay one more time but let him go.  He’d come to learn that once Dean had his mind set on something there was no getting in the way of that.  With a sigh he slumped down in his seat and waited. _

_ “Hey there he is!  Just in time bro, Fagstiel should be on his way out too,” Brady called once he saw Dean making his way over.  His group of friends all snickered behind him and he couldn’t help grinning wide. _

_ “You know, Brady...there’s something I just don’t understand. Just can’t seem to wrap my head around .For someone who claims to be straight, you seem to spend a lot of time thinking about where other people’s dicks should go.” Dean said, the idiot in front of him stared back with a blank confusion on his face. _

_ It took far too long in Dean’s opinion, for Brady to realize he was being insulted, but he wasn’t really the sharpest tool in the homophobic shed.  _

_ “I ain’t no fucking fudge packing queer.  What people like Castiel do is disgusting and they need to be taught that their kind ain’t welcome,” Brady shouted taking a step closer to Dean.   _

_ “Sure sure. So why don’t you just take all the queers, and the blacks, and the natives, and the jews, and the..what else? Oh and probably the ladies too for good measure, can’t have them thinking for themselves. You gather up all those people and you ship em’ off to space or a remote island somewhere and you know what you’re left with, Brady? Privileged white boys circle jerkin’ themselves and crying just to feel something.” _

_ “What the fuck is your problem man?  You actually defending a little bitch like Castiel?  Oh wait, you don’t know do you?  You’re the one who actually gave him away.  The way he’d stare at you, man.  I’m sure you’ll be singing a different tune to know the little faggot has a hard on for you,” Brady sneered. _

_ Dean fought off the smile he wanted to show, instead let his eyes widen in surprise and became laughably giddy. “No way, he likes me too? Do you think he’ll go with me to the winter formal? It’s only a couple weeks away and I’ve been too nervous to ask,” Dean said, watching as Brady started to get the picture.  _

_ Once the little hamster wheel in Brady’s brain started spinning again, Dean’s plastered on smile went dark quickly. “If you have to call people names and shove them into lockers to feel like a man, well I guess that’s how it’s gotta be… but this time, whaddya say you pick on someone your own size?”  _

_ “Never would have pegged you for a cock loving pansy,” Brady seethed, fists clenching at his sides, physically he and Dean were nearly the same size.  He could take him and show the school exactly what they did with people like Dean and Castiel.  He lunged forward and swung out his fist, connecting with Dean’s jaw. _

_ “The first one was free,” Dean said. He spat a out a little blood toward the ground and grinned back up at his opponent. John Winchester might not have been the best father around but one thing Dean was always prepared for, was a fight. He felt the pain pool near his cheek and the taste of copper in his mouth but he didn’t stop.  _

_ Dean slammed into Brady with his shoulder just as his two little henchmen came around to his side. It bought him enough time to put them on their backs before Brady was stumbling back toward him. “Dude, make this easy on yourself and walk away.”  _

_ “Fuck you fag!” Brady spat, charging forward only to have his entire world spin and the next thing he knew he was flat on his back wheezing.  Something pressed down on his chest and he struggled to draw in a breath as Dean leaned down on his leg that was cutting off his air supply. _

_ “You listen here, you giant douche. You come anywhere near me or Castiel again and I’ll end you. Do you hear me?” Dean asked, his voice so low it was practically a growl. He waited until Brady started nodding, probably due to suffocation, but finally he relented.  _

_ “Dean!” Castiel cried out.  He’d watched from the window but the moment the first punch had been thrown he rushed out of the school building.  Dean looked amazing, throwing Brady around like he was nothing but a rag doll and even though Castiel was scared that Dean was going to get in huge trouble, he couldn’t help the rush he felt from his speeding heart. _

_ “C’mon, sweetheart. Let’s get outta here,” Dean said, wrapping an arm around Cas’ shoulder as he led them toward the impala. His jaw was sore as hell, and he’d need to get ice on it quickly, but it was worth it.  _

* * *

__  
  


Dean remembered that moment so clearly that he could almost feel the soreness in his jaw. It wasn’t the last time Brady and the Braidettes, as he liked to call them, came around. But it was the dawn of a new age at Kripke High School. 

Then winter came and some of he best things that ever happened to Dean, happened to him that winter. 

_ “Cas it’s fine, I swear. I’ll have us out of here in no time and I’ve got a full tank of gas so we can run baby’s heater if we have to,” Dean said, grimacing at the way his tires spun without any traction on the back end.  _

_ Black iced roads were the fucking worst.  _

_ He bundled his jacket around him a little tighter as he climbed out of the car and into the frigid blizzard raging outside. He scoured the area looking for anything he could use to wedge under the stuck tires but unless he wanted to cut down a friggin tree, it wasn’t looking too good. His teeth chattered a bit as he slid back into the car, smiling sheepishly at his date. “So, about the getting us out of here thing…”  _

_ “Oh my God you’re freezing!” Castiel exclaimed turning the vents to aim at Dean instead of himself.  He couldn’t help chuckling and shaking his head a bit.  Dean had tried to pull this amazing romantic evening as their first official date (even if they’d been official for a few weeks now) only to slide on some ice and end up on the side of the road.  He wasn’t worried about being trapped with Dean.  What did worry him were his parents.  He quickly started to type out a text to his mother when he lost reception. _

_ “Well...shit,” he laughed tossing his phone on the dashboard, “Are you getting any warmer?” he asked leaning closer to Dean to rub at his arms. _

_ “I’m fine,” he said, though he could still hear his the vibrations in his voice as he shivered. To keep Cas from freaking out though, he smiled and said, “But I have some ideas if you wanna warm me up…”  _

_ Castiel quirked up a brow and laughed, “And I would definitely love to hear these ideas but I don’t want your frigid fingers up my shirt just yet,” Castiel grinned as he grabbed up Dean’s hands to rub between his. _

_ Dean started to warm all over after that comment, probably too warm in some places. They’d shared a few kisses, even made out at the gas n sip on the way home from school one day but for the most part, their relationship was still new. Dean liked taking his time, liked that Cas set the boundaries and that he wasn’t too eager to push things like some of the girls he’d been with in the past. _

_ “Well that did it,” he teased finally feeling heat from the car rather than his blood pumping faster, “You sure know how to warm a guy up, Cas.”  _

_ Castiel smiled proudly, leaning up to kiss at Dean’s cheek, “Well, may as well get comfortable.  We’re not gonna be able to move and my phone’s practically useless,” he said before crawling into the back seat.  Thankfully Dean had planned for stargzing or something, there were pillows and a thick blanket resting on the floor. _

_ “You gonna join me or what?” he asked with a teasing grin. _

_ “Uhh,” Dean’s brain sort of fizzled a bit at the sight of Cas making himself comfy in the backseat of his baby.  He’d watched porn less erotic than his fully clothed boyfriend settling into the next he built back there. Shaking himself, he finally managed to break the spell and took a deep breath. “Yeah, yup...here I come.”  _

_ Dean winced at his awkward response, he was usually much more charming and charismatic but most of the blood that normally ran his brain had headed south for the winter it seemed.  _

_ Castiel grinned watching as Dean stumbled his way through getting into the back seat.  After that it seemed like Dean became a statue, only moving when Castiel made him.  He huffed out a laugh and pushed at Dean’s chest until he was laying back and Castiel draped over him, pulling the blanket up to their chins. _

_ “Just relax Dean, it’s just me,” he said softly, hugging one arm tightly around Dean’s middle. _

_ “Oh trust me, Cas...there’s no confusion about who it is,” he said, trying and failing to will his body to relax.  _

_ “Do I make you nervous?” he asked propping himself up to look into Dean’s face.  Even if his boyfriend tried to deny it, Castiel could see it clearly in those brilliant green eyes of his.  It made him flush and chew on his bottom lip, “Why?” _

_ “Honestly, I’m not sure...but just being around you kinda makes my head go wonky sometimes,” Dean confessed. It wasn’t just that Cas was probably the most beautiful human being he’d ever laid eyes on, but so much more than that. Cas was smart, no-intelligent, to a degree he himself couldn’t even fathom. He was dorky and weird but in a way that somehow only made better, strong and brave in some ways but still shy and innocent in others. He was a hundred contradictions and everything Dean never knew he wanted. “You’re...special.”  _

_ Castiel blushed, looking down shyly as a smile pulled at his lips.  There were days when it was still hard to believe that someone like Dean Winchester was his.  All rough and tumble on the outside but so caring and sweet inside.  Hardly anyone got to see that side of him.  Only his younger brother Sam and Castiel.  And he was damn proud of that fact.  Castiel wiggled closer, pressing their lips together in a soft kiss, “I hope that’s a good thing because you do the same to me,” he whispered.  He wanted more of Dean’s lips on his, to kiss him deeper until they were breathless but the angle he was in made it uncomfortable.  Before he could talk himself out of it or grow too nervous, he hooked a leg over Dean’s and moved to straddle his thighs.  _

_ “Fuck,” he hissed quietly. He’d just started to calm down when Cas decided to basically sit on his dick.  _

_ “I uh..I’m-” he almost wanted to apologize but he didn’t know how to say it. There was no way in hell that Cas couldn’t feel that.  _

_ Castiel gasped a little which only turned into a chuckle at how red Dean was becoming.  Finally the tables had turned.  He’d never done anything like this.  Dean was experienced, he knew that from one of their many long talks and it was difficult to not feel intimidated by it.  He licked at his chapped lips, moving up a bit higher until he could really feel the tent in Dean’s pants against him. _

_ “Is this why you’ve been nervous around me?” he asked, dragging his hands up Dean’s chest slowly. _

_ Dean half choked on air as Castiel rubbed against him, the pressure on his already straining cock was just enough to drive him crazy. It felt amazing but he knew that Cas’ intentions were much more innocent than the filthy thoughts running through his head.  _

_ He took a deep breath and forced himself to relax a little, tried to imagine it as any other night of whatever this was, with any date. It didn’t work, when he looked up those big blue eyes were growing darker and he had to swallow around a knot in his throat. He grinned and forced out some words. “Only one of the many reasons, sweetheart.”  _

_ Castiel bit back a moan even though his hips stuttered, making them both gasp.  The action had sent jolts of pleasure through him and he craved for more.  He rolled his hips slowly, this time not able to hold back the whimper, “Oh wow,” he groaned, “W-What are the other reasons then?” _

_ Dean was tempted to gape at his ridiculous boyfriend. “You can’t-ungh, you can’t actually expect me to-fuuuh- keep up a conversation like this, can you,” Dean said, a whine leaving his throat as Castiel’s movements became more measured, more purposeful.  _

_ Oh God, he was going to spill into his jeans like a virgin. _

_ Castiel laughed, head falling down onto Dean’s chest as his body stilled, “I don’t know what to expect Dean,” he said lifting up just enough to press his lips against Dean’s.  As he sat up he pulled Dean with him, his arms wrapping around Dean’s neck, “I don’t even know if this feels good to you,” he whispered shyly. _

_ “Oh sweetheart, it feels good...it feels realllly good. But Cas, the most important thing is that you’re not doing anything you don’t want to do, because whatever this is or whatever happens next, I want it to be what you want, nothing more. Okay?” he said, humming to himself for a second before pulling Cas into another kiss.  _

_ “If you can tell me what you want, I’ll do everything I can to make it good for you.”  _

_ Castiel mewled softly, rushing forward for another kiss, “I do want this Dean,” he whispered against his lips as he started the slow rolls of his hips again, “And I don’t know what I want...I don’t know what there is,” Castiel said turning every shade of red.  He’d only touched himself a few times here and there, always too scared to even watch an actual porn video.  Watching the insanely too short gifs on Tumblr had been his go to. _

_ Dean couldn’t help but think it was adorable the way Cas’ cheeks tinged pink. He had his own embarrassments to worry about but it was still friggin cute. “Okay, so we figure it out together, like always.”   _

* * *

_ Castiel watched as the weatherman repeated that everyone should stay indoors.  The wind and rain making it nearly impossible for driving and the electrical storm moving in was going to be the worst they’d seen all year.  Usually he’d be okay during the storms but he was home alone.  He glanced over at his phone again and cursed under his breath, something he’d never done before meeting Dean.  It made him smile thinking of his boyfriend and darted for the black rectangle on the couch arm.  He shouldn't do it, Dean would be safer if he stayed home but Castiel was selfish and needy.  His finger pressed onto Dean’s name without another thought and jerked harshly when the dark room lit up with the lightning from outside. _

_ “Y’low,” Dean said, distractedly as he finished screwing the transmission fluid cap back on. There hadn’t been any problems, but he liked to keep up on the routine maintenance.   _

_ “Dean? I know it’s storming but is there anyway you can come over?” he asked, trying in vain to keep the neediness out of his voice. _

_ He looked out the open garage door and was grateful that it wasn’t too bad out there just yet. Mostly a light rain with the occasional thunderbolt. “Sure, sweetheart. Need me to bring anything?”  _

_ “Just you Dean,” Castiel said, a sharp yelp yanking out of his throat at the next bolt of lightening, “Please be careful,” he said. _

_ "Okay, just lemme grab the keys and I’ll be there,” he paused, hesitating because he knew that Cas was terrified even without seeing him. “Do you want me to stay on the phone?”  _

_ He almost said yes, begged for it even but shook his head, “No, Dean, just get here in one piece and stay safe.  The storm coming in is bad.  I’m horrible for even asking you to do this but I can’t help it.” _

_ “Hey...you’re one of the most selfless people I know, Cas. There’s nothin’ wrong with askin for a little help or comfort once in a while, especially not from me. There’s nothin I wouldn’t do for you, you know that, right?” Dean waited for the hum of agreement he knew would come, then quietly smiled to himself and said, “I’ll drive safe and I’ll be fine, I promise.” _

_ “Okay, see you soon Dean,” he said and hung up.  Quickly he ran up to his room to make sure it was clean and nothing too embarrassing was left out.  Then he was back downstairs pacing a few feet away from the front door.  Even though it felt much longer than ten minutes, the front doorbell finally went off and he yanked the door open to get Dean ushered inside.  His ever present leather jacket was wet but Castiel didn’t care, just jumped up into his arms and sighed. _

_ “You’re adorable, you know that?” Dean chuckled, hugging his ridiculous boyfriend even tighter. Castiel was practically shaking in his arms and the amusement he felt was instantly overwhelmed by the flood of protectiveness it caused. “It’s not that bad out yet but the storm is on it’s way, for sure.” _

_ “I have some stuff in the car if it gets worse...my uncle is a bit of an um...how do I say it, he’s a paranoid motherfucker,” He said, huffing out another small laugh. “Really comes in handy when this stuff happens though.” _

_ Castiel nodded, reluctantly letting go to glance outside, “Pull Baby into the garage, my parents will be gone until tomorrow night at the earliest,” he said, quickly guiding Dean through the house, not stopping once until he was hitting the button to open the garage door.   _

_ Dean ran out into the rain that had started peppering down a bit harder in the last few minutes, but it still wasn’t out of control. Thankfully though, it was only a few yards until he was up the driveway and back into the garage. He shook off the excess water once he was out of the car, grabbing his duffel from the backseat. “Just let me get changed so you don’t get drenched, and then we can settle in.” _

_ Castiel nodded, not needing to tell Dean where the bathroom was.  He rushed towards the linen closet, pulling out the thick blankets inside along with a few extra pillows.  The coffee table was already pushed to the side leaving enough room to pull out the sofa bed.  It wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world but it would suffice.  There was no TV in his bedroom, otherwise he’d have moved them in there.  It didn’t help that his room also had a huge window that faced the direction of where the storm was moving in.  He really didn’t need to see that.   _

_ The toilet flushed down the hall and he climbed into the bed waiting for Dean. _

_ “Hey, you hungry? Do you need me to grab something?” Dean asked on his way back into the living room. He’d been to Cas’ house quite a bit, but always while his parents were gone. Dean had a feeling there wouldn’t be any introductions, and he kinda understood that. Cas couldn’t help that his family was full of douchebags.  _

_ “You can grab whatever you want, I’ll just take a bottle of water from the fridge,” he said pushing the buttons on the remote to quickly change it from the weather channel.  Now that Dean was here he didn’t have to nervously watch them repeat over and over again to stay indoors.  Biting his lip he almost stopped on the movie Serendipity but knew Dean would only tease it relentlessly.  It was one of his favorite movies though.  He could hear Dean’s footsteps behind him and hit the button again to change it to the movie Push. _

_ He grabbed a bottle for both of them and nixed the snack, promising himself that he’d make sure Cas had some real food before it got too late. The guy forgot to eat sometimes, it was weird.  Dean didn’t understand how that was possible, but Cas did it, a lot. _

_ “You look comfy,” Dean said with a smile. His boyfriend huddled under a nest of blankets was about the most adorable thing he’d ever seen.  _

_ “I’ll be even more comfortable once you join me,” Castiel smiled looking up at Dean.  His boyfriend had changed into loose fitting flannel pants and a simple black t-shirt.  As plain as it was it still managed to send Castiel’s heart pounding.  He could see the lines of Dean’s muscles through the thin cotton and couldn’t wait to have those strong arms wrapped around him.  Castiel graciously took the water, taking a long sip before placing it on the table.  The blankets were lifted and soon a line of heat was pressed next to him.  Sighing with content he rolled over and hugged around Dean’s body, face instantly pressing against his chest. _

_ “Sometimes I think you’re part cat,” Dean teased, hugging tighter around him when Castiel shyly started to pull away. ‘No, no I actually like it.” _

_ “Okay.  I know sometimes I can get overly clingy...especially on nights like this,” Castiel said wincing as if on cue, a loud crash shook the house, “Oh my God,” he whined, shoving his face against Dean’s shirt.  The scent alone helped soothe him, along with Dean’s strong hands rubbing up and down his back. _

_ “Hey,” Dean said, tilting Cas’ chin up until he could see those deep blue eyes that made his heart stutter in his chest. “I’m not complaining. I love having you right here, with me, always.”  _

_ He leaned in and drew Castiel’s lip between his teeth and smiled into the kiss that ensued. Dean knew he couldn’t take away the fear in his boyfriend’s heart but if nothing else, maybe he could at least distract him for a little while.  _

_ Castiel moaned softly, returning the kiss just as softly.  It didn’t stay that way long though as it never did.  Over the past few weeks he'd gotten more comfortable with the physical aspect of their relationship.  There was so much touching and kissing, not to mention that Dean allowed him to explore his body to his heart's content.  He was proud to say that he even got Dean to orgasm a few times with just a touch of his hand.  Castiel was only slightly aware that he was rolling onto his back, pulling Dean on top of him as the kiss got deeper, needier.  His fingers got lost in Dean’s hair as one of his legs hooked around Dean’s hip.  The resulting friction it caused had Castiel mewling into Dean’s mouth. _

_ “Mmm you’re so fucking gorgeous, sweetheart.” Dean struggled to keep his eyes open with Cas rubbing against him so perfectly, but he didn’t want to miss the picture it made. His dark hair mussed from their kisses, irises blown wide with dark, hot lust, not to mention the way his mouth went slack whenever their cocks brushed together through their pajamas.  _

_ “Dean, oh,” Castiel groaned, back arching a bit when Dean rolled against him.  He got his other leg unpinned from the delicious weight above him and wrapped it too around Dean’s hip.  A whimper tore out of his throat as the friction got even better.  It had him aching in a way that only Dean could create and soon he was a panting mess. _

_ “D-Dean you...you remember what you did the other day?” Castiel asked, cheeks flushing at the memory of Dean’s fingers touching at his hole for the first time.  It had shocked the hell out of him, resulting in him cumming without warning.  He’d been wanting more of that ever since and could never muster up the courage to ask for it again.  Until now. _

_ “Well you’re gonna have to be a little more specific, Sweetheart…” Dean asked. Though he was pretty sure he had a good idea of what he’d meant, he wanted the guy to be able to say it. He needed Cas to feel more comfortable, more at ease with what they were doing before they delved any further.  _

_ Castiel licked his lips and closed his eyes as his fingers dug into Dean’s shoulders a bit, “W-When you touched me...my um…” Castiel’s eyes opened and silently begged Dean to not have to say it.  Dean only smirked at him and Castiel sighed, “My hole,” he said, blushing crimson. _

_ “Yeah, you lookin’ for more of that?” Dean asked, trailing one hand up Castiel’s hip to grab at his waist. The thought of opening him up, getting him used to the foreign sensation made Dean’s cock throb in anticipation. “Whatever you want, sweetheart...all you gotta do is ask.”  _

_ Castiel nodded eagerly, hips lifting up subconsciously to allow Dean’s hand to grab at his ass, “Yes Dean please,” he gasped, head falling back in pleasure when Dean’s hips rolled against him a few times.  It took every ounce of willpower to not spill right then but he managed to do it. _

_ “You trust me?” Dean asked, feeling a little bold in that moment. When Cas quickly agreed, Dean pulled away and helped him onto his stomach, pulling at his hips until his ass was off the bed. Slowly he tugged at Cas’ pants until they were settled at his knees and spread his cheeks a little. “You still okay? I need to hear you say you’re okay, sweetheart.”  _

_ Even though Castiel was blushing down to his toes being in such a vulnerable position he trusted Dean and God did he want this.  He shivered as the cool air touched his now bare skin and nodded, “Yes, I’m okay,” he whispered, whimpering when Dean’s hands squeezed his ass.  The anticipation to feel anything that Dean was willing to do to him had him so high strung that any brush of skin had him keening. _

_ Dean started with a finger, sliding gently around Cas’ fluttering hole. He teased at the rim a bit before sliding just a little inside. The sound that came out of Cas’ throat at such a light touch had his cock pulsing with need. “Gonna try something new, you okay with that? I promise, it won’t hurt.”  _

_ “O-Okay,” he said, nodding eagerly as he pressed his cheek into the bed, eyes fluttering shut as his body trembled with anticipation. _

_ Dean smiled, bending lower to playfully nip at Castiel’s plump ass. He didn’t want to surprise the guy too much, but he also worried that saying it aloud might be too much for his perpetually nervous boyfriend. He let his warm breath skitter against Cas’ hole for a beat before finally sliding his tongue past the tight wall of muscle that instantly clenched around him.  _

_ “Oh God!” Castiel gasped, almost scrambling away from Dean but hands held him firmly.  It was the strangest feeling but the more Dean did it, the better it felt.  His legs spread out a bit to open himself that much more for Dean’s curious tongue.  When the wet muscle teased at his rim his eyes crossed, “Fuck….Dean more, more,” he cried. _

_ The confirmation was exactly what he needed to push himself further. Dean grabbed at Cas’ hips to keep him in place before he pushed his tongue in as far as it would go, wiggling wildly as he felt the hole squeezing around it. It was amazing to have his nerdy, shy, somewhat awkward boyfriend sounding like a goddamn pornstar, Dean’s own cock leaking into his pants.  _

_ Castiel writhed, his hips trying to roll back against Dean’s tongue but those strong hands kept him still.  He whined petuantaly, wanting...needing more of Dean inside of him.  He could hear himself begging for it, the words falling out of his mouth in a jumble.  His cock hung heavily, leaking between his legs but he didn’t want to touch it and even slapped Dean’s hand away when he tried to stroke him.  He didn’t want to cum yet.  It felt too good to end so quickly. _

_ “Dean, please, please,” he panted. _

_ He teased the perfect soft skin with his teeth again before fully pulling back. “God you sound amazing...Hell I might just cum from this,” he said, sliding his finger in and half moaning at the warm wet feeling that tightened around it.  _

_ “No, don’t...don’t cum yet,” Castiel groaned, the image of Dean spilling inside of him making him whine pathetically as his fingers clutched onto the sheets to keep from losing it himself.  He’d just gotten used to one of Dean’s fingers inside of him when another gently started to push in. _

_ “Oh fuck Dean...please, I want you.  I want you inside me please,” he begged looking back at Dean the best that he could. _

_ “Oh sweetheart...I don’t know, I don’t...I don’t think you’re ready for it right now and we don’t have supplies…” he said. Dean never had sex without a condom and while he hadn’t ever been that far with a guy before, he knew that lube was a must have if they were going to try to do anything. He hated to disappoint Castiel but he would kick his own ass later for putting him in danger. _

_ Castiel’s mouth dropped open and blushed for a whole other reason.  He swallowed hard and waited for Dean to pull his fingers away from him so he could turn around.  It felt weird but Castiel needed to be facing his boyfriend right now.  He kissed at Dean’s chin before looking down, “I um, I have…” Castiel let out a deep breath and forced himself to look up at Dean.  If he was ready to have sex then he was damn well ready to actually say the words, “I bought supplies a few days ago,” he said. _

_ “Ohh,” Dean said, feeling more surprised than he probably should. He just couldn’t imagine Castiel going into a drug store or anywhere really and buying lube and condoms. “If you’re sure this is something you really want, I’m in but you have to promise to tell me to stop if anything hurts...I’ve never done this with a guy before and I don’t want to hurt you, sweetheart.”  _

_ Castiel chuckled at the shock in Dean’s eyes and shrugged, “It was embarrassing as all hell, especially since the clerk who rang me out was someone from my church,” he winced but laughed again, “And yes I’m ready Dean and really want this with you.  I’ve been ready for a while I think,” he said, cupping the sides of Dean’s face, “Besides, what is it you always tell me?  We’ll figure this out together?”  _

_ Dean smiled, feeling a warm echo in his chest. “Yeah, you and me, we can do this. C’mon, let’s go to your room, yeah? Or would you rather tell me where it is and I can go get it for you.”  _

_ Castiel bit his lip.  He’d never be able to look at this couch the same if they had sex here, and probably would stutter and give himself away to his parents, “My room,” he said and quickly gathered the blanket around himself.  They playfully chased each other up the stairs, Castiel of course tripping on the sheet and falling on the steps.  Their laughter echoed through the house and Dean ended up just carrying him the rest of the way. _

_ Once his feet were back on the floor he went to his closet to retrieve the bag he had safely hidden in the back behind his shoe rack.  He hoped what he got was okay.  There were too many options so he kept to the simplest ones, “Here,” he said handing the bag off.  While Dean was preoccupied with the items, Castiel turned on the small space heater for his room and then dropped the blanket.  He quickly took off the rest of his clothes before climbing up on the bed. _

_ He’d done a little research, but part of him still wished he was a bit more prepared. He hadn’t said it yet, hadn’t found a way, but Dean loved Cas and the last thing he wanted to do was cause him any pain. He took a deep breath and pointed himself toward the bed, half gasping at the sight of his naked boyfriend. He’d seen Cas before, in glimpses and little pieces here and there, never like this...never in the light.  _

_ “Wow,” he said, hesitating for a moment while he thoroughly took in the view.  _

_ Castiel bit his lip shyly, stretching out purposefully, just so Dean could enjoy looking at him a bit longer.  When his boyfriend got close enough to reach Castiel sat up and without taking his eyes off of Dean, he started to pull down his pants, “I finally get to see you,” he said with a little grin. _

_ ‘Have at it,” Dean said with a cocky grin, smiling to himself as Cas managed to get both his pants and briefs pulled down to his knees. Dean kicked out of them easily enough after that and reveled in the appreciation brimming in Castiel’s eyes.  _

_ “See anything you like?” Dean asked, couldn’t stop himself from teasing Cas because the pink tinge was beyond fucking beautiful on his cheeks.  _

_ Castiel didn’t have much to compare it to, just the images he’d been looking up lately to learn more about gay sex.  Dean’s cock was long, thick and wet at the tip.  Castiel’s mouth watered, curiosity washing through him to taste it.  Leaning in, he smirked at the sharp intake of breath and dragged his tongue over the tip.  It was bitter but not entirely too gross like he read that it could be.  He moved closer, gripping the base of Dean’s cock and dragged his tongue up length of his shaft. _

_ Dean hissed out a curse, his body responding much too quickly to the touch of Castiel’s tongue against him. Before he realized he was doing it, his hand snapped out and gently pushed Cas’ head back a bit.  _

_ Once he caught his breath again, Dean looked down at his wide eyed boyfriend. “S-sorry sweetheart but if you really want this to happen...that’s going to have to wait for another time. I-I’m already probably going to spill the second I get inside you… I’m not sure I could take anymore.”  _

_ Castiel nodded, a slow prideful grin stretching his lips.  He never realized how exhilarating it could be the reason for someone else’s pleasure.  He was torn between wanting to continue getting familiar with Dean’s cock and finally having sex with his boyfriend.  It was the latter that ultimately won out.  Laying back on the bed he opened his arms and made a grabby motion towards Dean, making them both laugh. _

_ “Hand me that pillow, I read that it’s easier if I put one under you…” Dean said, feeling his nerves amp up a little.  _

_ Once he got Castiel situated as best as he could figure out how to do, Dean grabbed the lube and squeezed some onto his fingers, heating it up as much as he could before going anywhere near Cas’ hole.  _

_ The first went easily enough already but he was a little nervous to add another. He rubbed a knuckle around the rim as he pushed in a bit deeper, still going slow and paying attention to Castiel’s body. He backed out a bit and then pushed at the edges of the rim a little with his lubed up finger and finally, slowly, eased in the tip of his second finger.  _

_ Castiel’s eyes rolled up into his head, the lube made things feel that much better.  His fists were clenched into his sheets and this time he was able to roll his hips down onto Dean’s fingers.  God it felt amazing.  He was moaning out Dean’s name when a sharp cry exploded out of him.  Whatever Dean had just touched sent his nerves on fire, “Oh...wow, do that again,” he gasped only to cry out again and again. _

_ He could feel Cas stretching around his fingers more easily, the distraction of what Dean had to figure was his prostate seemed to be doing wonders for the nervousness he’d felt before. Soon Dean was able to scissor his fingers open and push out at the tight grip. It felt amazing on just his fingers and Dean was more sure that his once impressive stamina was not going to hold up the same for Cas.  _

_ “Ungh God,” Castiel groaned, grinding almost dirty against Dean’s fingers.  He couldn’t get enough of it, especially when the brushed over that amazing spot inside, “I’m ready Dean please,” he begged, lifting his legs to wrap around Dean’s waist, yanking him closer.  His hand flung out to find the box of condoms and with shaking hands he managed to get one out. _

_ “Okay sweetheart, I’ll take care of you but…if it hurts, we stop...promise me?” Dean said as he reached for the wrapper in Castiel’s fingers. His voice shook a bit under the nerves, but he pushed through it. Cas needed him.   _

_ Castiel sat up a bit watching curiously as Dean opened the condom then proceeded to push it down on himself.  The next time Castiel wanted to be the one to do it but for now, he watched and learned.  A sudden flurry of excitement surged through his belly as Dean gently pushed him to lay back down.  This was happening, Dean was going to have sex with him.  His hands trembled as he brushed them over Dean’s strong arms and shoulders, trying to calm himself down.  He wasn’t scared, Dean had done an amazing job squashing that to bits but he was nervous.  What if he didn’t like it?  What if...oh...Castiel’s eyes widened at the press of Dean’s cock against his entrance and felt his body lurch towards it.  All the what ifs seemed to vanish as Dean continued to push into him, a searing heat of pleasure igniting him from the inside out.   _

_ He took a few labored breaths, trying everything he could to focus on anything other than the slick, hot squeeze around his dick. He watched Cas closely, checking his face and body for any signs of pain or displeasure. It was enough to keep him from being a complete embarrassment, but only just. Just as he was about to push in some more, Cas rocked forward and damn near ripped a whine from his throat.  _

_ Dean’s hands went straight to Cas’ hips to settle him, “S-sorry sweetheart, but y-you can’t do that...not yet. Give me a minute.”  _

_ “Sorry!” Castiel gasped, hands scrambling to grip onto Dean’s shoulders again.  His body was doing things on its own, the pleasure he was feeling making it difficult to control himself.  There was a bit of pain underneath it all, the awkward feeling of something so thick splitting him open.  He focused on that to keep himself from moving and to allow Dean a moment to breathe.  Once they were flushed together Castiel gently pulled Dean down by his neck, pressing their foreheads together. _

_ “You okay?” he asked. _

_ “Yeah...it’s just-it’s a lot…trying to make it last for you,” Dean answered. His arms trembled a bit as he forced some pretty awful pictures into his mind in a hail mary effort not to spill with the first thrust. He knew Cas wanted to get off on just his cock but Dean was pretty sure there was no way in hell he was gonna be able to hold on that long.  _

_ Castiel smiled at his boyfriend’s efforts and leaned up to kiss his jaw while his fingers continued its path up his shoulders to tangle in Dean’s hair, “It’s okay.  I don’t plan on this being our only time doing this.  It just feels amazing enough having you this way at all,” he whispered, tilting Dean’s head a bit so he could kiss at his lips.  It was strange, this wave of confidence that he felt.   _

_ Dean nodded, feeling a little less weight on his shoulders. He still wanted to do everything he could to make sure Cas enjoyed it. He knew that even if it meant a handjob or a blow job after he’d finished, he’d make it work. At that time the urgency to chase his own orgasm had grown to be almost unbearable.  _

_ “Okay, okay...I’m just gonna take it slow…” he said, leaving a quick kiss to Cas’ forehead.  _

_ Castiel nodded, a gasp rushing out between his lips at the first thrust of Dean’s hips.  With each one it stroked something so deep inside that the pain and awkwardness dissolved into pleasure.  His back arched off the bed and let out a whine, “Harder Dean,” he said biting down on his bottom lip. _

_ Dean quickened his pace, grunted moans slipping out in a long string of unconscious thought. The pressure around him, the ecstasy swarming through his veins, it was all too much. He tried to do what Cas asked of him, snapped his hips a little harder, but it only meant he sank deeper inside, stealing away from his resolve.  _

_ “Cas I-I ca-an’t,” Dean started, but there was another clench around him and he lost it. His orgasm ripped out of him with an almost violent intensity. His whole body seemed to lock up but somehow he still shook through the waves of pleasure at the same time.  _

_ Castiel groaned at the shallow but still sharp rutting from Dean as his boyfriend lost control above him.  Maybe he didn’t get to cum this time while Dean was inside of him but he still loved every minute of this.  He knew that no matter what the future held, he’d never regret losing his virginity to the wonderful boy who cared so much to take care of him through this.  When Dean finally raised up his head Castiel couldn’t help giggling a little at how lost he looked. _

_ “You okay there cowboy?” He grinned dragging his fingers through Dean’s hair a few times. _

_ It took a few beats for anything to register, let alone what Cas actually said. Thankfully though, the words filtered back through his mind again when he was at himself a bit more and he nodded.  _

_ “Shhhit, yeah...sorry…” Dean said, feeling a flush of embarrassment. “Here, let me take care of you.”  _

_ “Don’t be sorry Dean, please?  I enjoyed every minute of it-oh, ungh, Dean!” Castiel cried out as Dean took a hold of his cock.  He’d been so preoccupied with his boyfriend that he nearly forgot that he was still swollen and throbbing.  There was no more foreplay, the clear intention of getting him off as Dean stroked him.  Castiel shuddered hard, eyes rolling back as Dean’s thumb dragged over the tip.  He felt Dean start to pull out but Castiel’s hands shot out, grabbing hold of his thighs to keep him right there. _

_ “Please, not yet,” he gasped, “Oh fuck!” _

_ He tried to keep himself inside Cas but his cock was quickly deflating. Determined, he jerked his hand faster, wanting to be able to get his boyfriend off before he was forced to slip out. “C’mon, sweetheart. Cum for me, Cas.”  _

_ Castiel’s hips flew off the bed, chasing after Dean’s hand until his vision swam, whiting out around the edges.  He wasn’t aware of the noises he was making, just the intense pleasure washing over him as he came hard onto his stomach.  It took a few moments to come back to himself but when he did it was to Dean’s warm smile, hand still gently stroking him.  Castiel whined a little and Dean let him go. _

_ “C’mere,” he said, the word coming out slurred as Dean leaned in and they kissed.  It was soft and sweet, lips barely touching as they breathed the other in.  It was then that something he’d been feeling for a while now bubbled within him and the words just bubbled out, “I love you.” _

_ Dean looked down at him with a playful grin, “Little cliche’ don’t you think?” he teased, not hesitating long before he quickly reassured his ridiculous boyfriend who’d apparently started to think he wasn’t going to hear it back if that slight frown to his lips was a clue. “I love you too, Cas. Pretty sure I fell for you that first night, but this… this isn’t just a crush or puppy love or some other cutesy name for what people usually feel when they’re young. I really love you.”  _

_ Castiel blushed at the realization that it was pretty freaking cliched and couldn’t help but laugh a little.  He reached up and cupped the sides of Dean’s face, thumbs dragging over his cheek bones and smiled, “I know Dean.  This isn’t a love confession just because I lost my virginity either,” he teased, “I really love you too.” _

* * *

He smiled fondly at the memory of their first time together, kept smiling as flashes of the next few months fluttered through his mind. Cas became...well, insatiable and Dean was more than willing to oblige him. They spent more time hidden away in the janitor’s closet or behind the bleachers than they did in class. Dean barely passed, not that he really cared but Cas was too damn smart for his own good and somehow still managed to land valedictorian. 

Dean was so proud, but the fallout that came afterward was still just as heartbreaking sixteen years later. 

He winced at the painful flashbacks that hit him all at once. A barrage of images that had him shaking his head and fighting off tears. 

_ Castiel stared down at his acceptance letter, hardly believing that it was finally there.  Everything he wanted gifted to him in a neat manilla envelope.  Four year scholarship abroad at Cambridge University.  It felt like a lifetime ago when he had sent his application.  Before he even knew Dean.  They had accepted him with just his records as a Junior.  Back then this was all he dreamed about but now, he was scared of losing one of the most important things in his life.   _

_ “Long distance relationships never last cuz,” Gabriel had said to him not even thirty minutes ago. _

_ “Maybe so but Dean and I are different, it’ll be hard work but we love each other…” _

_ “You do realize every single couple says the same damn thing?  You have a one out of fifty chance of it lasting even past the first year,” Gabriel scoffed.  Castiel glared at him as he shoved the papers back into the envelope. _

_ “We’ll be that one then.  I have to go.” _

_ Now Castiel sat on the steps leading up to the Winchester’s house, not brave enough to make it the final few feet to knock on the door.  Gabriel’s words haunted him but he refused to let them be real.  Him and Dean were different...this wasn’t puppy love as his boyfriend had described it.  This was real.  They loved each other and they would get through this together.  Castiel swallowed hard and forced himself to get up. _

_ Dean’s little brother Sammy answered the door with an eager hello, followed with a short hug.  Castiel loved Sam.  He was amazingly clever and if he kept on the right path with school he’d be the next valedictorian in a couple of years. _

_ “Oh Cas is that your acceptance letter!” Sam declared trying to snatch at it but Castiel quickly pivoted away. _

_ “Yes...I need to talk to Dean first,” he said biting on his bottom lip.  It was then he could hear Dean in the next room and without another word to the youngest Winchester he made his way to find Dean sitting on the couch with several people they had managed to call friends for the past year.  He waved and nodded at them all before looking at Dean, mouthing the words can we talk? _

_ Though there was a tingle of something dark curbing at the edge of his mind, Dean didn’t let it get to him. Instead he passed the controller off and went to greet his boyfriend with an excited, eager kiss.  _

_ The feeling of dread only heightened when Cas pulled away quickly, grabbed his hand, and headed upstairs. “What’s goin’ on?” _

_ Castiel didn’t answer him until they were tucked safely away in Dean’s bedroom.  He wanted so badly for Dean to be excited for him...to be happy at the opportunity Castiel now had but Gabriel’s words twisted his stomach. _

_ “I-I got my acceptance letter today,” he said softly. _

_ Dean squinted, “Usually that’s something people are pretty happy about, Cas. Why do you look like someone kicked your puppy?”  _

_ “Because I’m scared,” he said even quieter before handing the envelope to Dean, “It’s to Cambridge University...in England.” _

_ There it was...that familiar heavy weight in his stomach that threatened to swallow him whole. In all the time he’d known Cas he’d not once felt it, not when they had their little spats, not even when he’d had to kick ass a few times to get people to lay off, but now...it was back tenfold.  _

_ He swallowed, his hands trembling as he tried to remember what was important. The last thing he wanted was for Cas to leave him, but if the guy needed to go to Europe to be happy...Dean wasn’t going to be the one to hold him back.  _

_ “That’s great. I’m happy for you sweetheart,” he said, trying his best to smile as the world seemed to crumble around him.  _

_ “A-Are you really?” Castiel asked looking up into Dean’s face.  He could see the pain there which had his heart lurching a bit but there was no deception, “Dean please be honest with me.” _

_ “I am, I’m really happy for you. You deserve this, Cas.” It was breaking his heart that he was being honest. Part of him wanted to beg and plead for Cas to stay but he was genuinely happy for the guy and so damn proud of him it wasn’t funny. Castiel worked his ass off to make his dreams happen and it clearly worked.  _

_ Castiel let out a rushed sigh before leaping up to hug Dean tightly around his neck.  The manilla envelope fell to the floor but he didn’t care.  Dean was proud of him, that’s all that mattered, “I knew Gabriel was full of it,” he muttered. _

_ Stinging tears threatened to spill, but Dean fought them back.  _

_ “What did he say?”  _

_ Castiel lowered to his feet, his mouth opening to reply but the unshed tears in Dean’s eyes made him pause, “Dean?  What’s...what’s wrong?” he asked, fingers curling into Dean’s shirt. _

_ “S’nothin,” Dean said, his voice so unsure that he knew he hadn’t convinced Cas, hadn’t even convinced himself and he was practically a professional when it came to lying to himself.  _

_ He sighed as he realized that Cas wasn’t going to give up. “Look, sweetheart. I really am happy for you, proud of you, I know you’ve wanted this for a long time and I want you to take it…” he said, hesitating a bit as the stinging in his eye grew heavier. “But, that don’t mean I’m not sad to see you go.”  _

_ Castiel swallowed hard, nodding, “I know.  It’ll suck being so far away but we can work through it,” he said.  A knot instantly grew in Castiel’s throat at the wince in Dean’s eyes.  He didn’t like that at all.  His fingers clung a little tighter in Dean’s shirt as the panic began to rise up, “You do want to work through this...right?” _

_ It was eating him up inside, the weighted black abyss that only seemed to grow from his stomach and spread out through his limbs quickly. He wasn’t sure he could be strong enough to do this, but it needed to be done. Castiel was his world, his everything outside of Sam and Bobby. Dean would not let himself be the one to keep him rooted and miserable instead of living out his dreams.  _

_ “Sweetheart, you’re going to be in Europe, for four years, maybe more. I want you to go, I-I do, but it’s just not, we can’t…” Dean’s throat seemed to dry up like the freaking Sahara all the sudden but he finally ground out the gravelly words. “I love you, Cas. But if we tried to make this work we’d be miserable and wind up hating one another. I don’t want to do that...I don’t want to see resentment in your eyes every time you look at me and I sure as hell don’t want to feel that for you...never you.”  _

_ Castiel backed away from Dean, shaking his head, “So...so you just what?  Want to break up?  You don’t even want to try and make this work?” Castiel said, his voice getting louder as his emotions brewed up.  He was angry, hurt and his heart seemed to be chipping away in big chunks the longer he stared up into Dean’s face. _

_ “Hey, look at me..I want you to be happy. I care about you more than anything, Cas. But it’s just...Don’t you think it would be a little selfish for me to hold onto you when you want something else?” _

_ Dean reached out only to flinch when Cas pulled away again. “Cas, you’re going to have a whole new life in England. A new home, new friends, new adventures….You deserve to experience it all and I’d just be holding you back. You know it’s true.”  _

_ Castiel scoffed, shaking his head, “No I don’t know that’s true.  What I do know is that I was willing to try and make this work, to do whatever I had to keep this going!  But you already threw in the towel,” Castiel jerked away from Dean’s hand again and settled him with a glare, “You say you love me but you obviously don’t think our relationship...that I’m worth fighting for.”  Dean’s mouth opened to argue but Castiel cut him off quickly. _

_ “I understand that somewhere in that thick skull of yours you think I’m going to find someone better.  You’re wrong.  And yeah I might be naive but I was hoping that I’d at least have my fucking boyfriend’s support while I was over there, alone with no friends and knowing absolutely no one.  But don’t worry, I’ll be fine, you won’t be there to supposedly hold me back,” Castiel spat out, scrambling for his envelope as his eyes tightened so much it was painful.  He wanted to break down and cry but he refused to do it in front of Dean. _

_ “Cas…” An urgency to beg him to not go, to grab him and hold him close and keep him there, rushed over him like a drowning wave. But Dean couldn’t do it, he just couldn’t hold him back. He’d really hoped that they could stay friends, stay close even, but it was probably best for them both to have a clean break.  _

_ Castiel stared up at him once he had the papers back in hand and waited….and waited for what felt like hours before the last bits of his heart shattered.  One tear finally broke through and he shook his head, “Goodbye Dean,” he said, voice thick and breaking as he stumbled out of the room, yanking the door open so hard it slammed into the wall.  Sam was in the hall, face pale and mouth dropped open but Castiel ignored him.  He’d feel guilty about it later, maybe send the kid a message apologizing but he needed to get out of there.  With each step he took he hoped to hear Dean’s voice calling after him, to beg for forgiveness and a promise to at least try.   _

_ But it never came. _

* * *

_ Nine days.  Nine days of Dean’s moodiness, of tiptoeing around his older brother.  Sam didn’t know how much more of this he could take.  Even their Uncle Bobby was cautious around him.  Sam ran his fingers through his hair and read Jess’s text over again.  She’d been telling him over an hour now to leave it alone, to not butt in.  Dean had made his choice now he needed to stew in it.  But Jess hadn’t seen Dean when Castiel was around.  How much lighter, happier he was.  Hell even Bobby liked Castiel when he was around, called him son and kiddo all the time.  The guy knew how to cook and always made them dinner when he was over helping not only Dean but Sam with their homework.  Castiel was apart of their family and because of his brother’s stupid low self esteem, he broke up with him.  _

_ Sam threw his phone on the bed and grumbled out a curse as he pulled himself out of his computer chair.  He could understand where his brother was coming from, he really could but he couldn’t let Dean do this to himself.  Castiel was the love of Dean’s life and he was just...letting him go.  It wasn’t right. _

_ Sam pounded on Dean’s door a few times before shoving it open with his shoulder, “Cover it up, we need to talk,” Sam teased standing in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest.  _

_ “Not in the mood Sam, get out.”  _

_ “Nah, we’re gonna talk.  Well, I’ll talk you’re gonna listen,” Sam said walking over to the stereo and unplugging it so Dean couldn’t turn it up to drown him out.  As Dean bitched at him, Sam grabbed at his computer chair and sat down, moving so he could face Dean, “Yeah you can shut it right now,” he said and much to his surprise Dean’s mouth actually shut. _

_ “Besides the whole stupid thing of you thinking Castiel can somehow find someone better than you or that you think you’ll be holding him back….yeah I was listening get over it...give me one good reason why you broke up with Cas?”  _

_ “Sam it’s not six months or a year even...he’s going to be over there for at least four years. That’s a long time. We would both be miserable and eventually he’d resent me. I’ve seen it happen,” Dean said, swallowing hard as he thought back on his relationship or whatever it was, with Lisa. “I can’t go through that again and sure as hell not with Cas… now leave me the fuck alone.”  _

_ “Dean, what you have with Castiel is vastly different than whatever you had with any of those girls from before.  I have never seen you look at anyone like you do with him.  And you never know, what if you did do this and gave it an actual fucking shot, he’d come back and you two would get married!  Why just give up before even trying!” _

_ “Sam I know you think you’re grown, but you’re not. Some things aren’t that easy-”  _

_ “The things that you want are never easy, you have to work hard for them.  Isn’t that what you told me Mom always said, that she had even stitched it onto a pillow?” Sam said with a quirked brow. _

_ Ouch.  _

_ Right to the heart.  _

_ Dean took a deep breath and nodded.  _

_ Sam was right.  _

_ Mom was right.  _

_ “Yeah, okay.. Get out of here, bitch. I need to shower and change.”  _

_ “Good!  I’ll make you something quick to eat cause I know you haven’t had anything decent.  No worries, it’ll be on the go!” Sam said before quickly running out of the room.  Point Sammy!! _

_ Dean rushed through a shower, already feeling lighter than he had in days. Somewhere in the back of his mind there was even a plan to make the trip with Cas, even if it meant selling his baby. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, the mere thought of getting on an airplane made his stomach queasy but there was nothing he wouldn’t do if it meant he could keep Cas without forcing him to sacrifice his dreams.  _

_ He grabbed the sandwich Sam had for him and rushed out the door, savoring the quick trip from one house to the next inside his baby’s carriage.  _

_ Nothing could have prepared him for the disappointment he felt when instead of Cas opening the door for him it was Gabriel on the other side.  _

_ Gabriel frowned deep as he glared at Dean, “Oh, isn’t this an unpleasant surprise,” he sneered, leaning against the door frame as he munched on his candy bar. _

_ “I don’t have time for this,” Dean muttered under his breath before looking down at the shorter man. “I need to talk to Cas, please.”  _

_ “Cas?  You mean my precious baby cousin who spent the last week in his room bawling his eyes out because his neanderthal of a boyfriend decided to break his heart before he went away to college?  That Cas?  Yeah, he’s gone.  Left two days ago.  Couldn’t stand being here anymore,” Gabriel spat out, throwing his half eaten candy bar onto the table next to the door. _

_ “No…” Dean said, feeling his knees get a little weak and bile rising up in his throat. “He-he left...he just left?” _

_ “Yep,” he said, popping the p, “He did wait for you though, even after I told him it was useless.  My poor cousin the ever optimistic...he hoped and prayed that you’d come to your senses.  Then as my poor cousin cried on my shoulder, finally came to the realization that you wouldn’t.  That you didn’t really love him because you didn’t fight for him.  You know, it was the first time I ever felt like scum for being right.  Now, give me one good fucking reason why I shouldn’t punch you in your pretty face right now,” Gabriel seethed. _

__  
  


_ “I-” Gabe’s words filtered into his mind but they were all broken and faint. He felt like he was going to be sick or pass out, or hell maybe both. He hunched over, hoping that if he could just breathe some of the icy pain pushing into his chest would relent.  _

_ “I don’t have one,” Dean said. He knew it was stupid but part of him wanted Gabriel to hit him, to make him feel anything other than the molotov cocktail of emotion currently brewing in his gut. _

_ Gabriel took a step forward, making to actually slam his fist into Dean’s face.  It would feel good, to inflict pain onto the person who caused so much grief to one of his favorite people.  But the pain Dean was feeling right in this moment would make his punch barely a flinch against him.   _

_ “Nah, not worth the bloody knuckles,” he said going back into the house and slamming the door shut.  _

* * *

To this day, Dean still wasn’t sure how he made it home after that. He patted his baby for keeping him safe through it a few times because he honestly didn’t even remember getting behind the wheel, much less actually driving back to Bobby’s. He just knew that his world changed that day, that it all seemed to go numb at the edges. 

Over the next several years that numbness spread closer and closer to his core.  And just when he thought he was healing from it all...the news of Cas getting married to some British douche had felt like an ice pick digging into his frozen heart, shattering it to pieces all over again. Dean was a mess that year, the drink making it hard to hold his head up most days. 

Eventually Sammy pulled him out of that too, screaming at him that he wouldn’t watch him turn into their dad. 

It was still a bit of a haze, all of it, the drinking and the recovery. It took a long time for him to pull himself back from the edge, but once he did...he kept his head down and focused on his work. It was that way for almost a decade. Sammy got married and had kids while Dean politely smiled for the cameras and tried as hard as he could to avoid questions about his personal life. 

It didn’t work. At first it created an air’ of mystery but after the first few years people started talking and he was made out to be some sort of freak, but Dean didn’t let it get to him. He made the mistake of letting Jo bully him into taking her to a red carpet night and the press had a field day even though they both said repeatedly that they were just childhood friends. 

  
  
They didn’t seem to believe him, but as stupid as it was, Dean knew Cas would and that’s all that mattered. 

The tears spilled faster, how fucked up was he? Sixteen years and he still cared what his  _ married _ ex boyfriend thought about his personal life. 

For all he knew Cas didn’t even remember his fucking name. 

“Ahh fuck,” he said, cursing himself only to hear it echoed back. 

His eyes snapped up to see a lump on the ground and he took off in a dead run. “Woah, hey man...you alri-.”

“I’m just peachy,” he grumbled out, only to groan with realization his damn foot was stuck.  How was it that everytime he came out here he fell and always got his foot wedged in the track!  Laughing at himself he finally looked up at the man who ran over only to have his heart slam so hard in his chest he lost his breath, “D-Dean?!” he gasped.

Dean swallowed hard, silently pinching at his thigh. He started to think he was losing it, was almost sure of it except the vision in front of him wasn’t the same eighteen year old Cas he’d been seeing in his memories, but an older, more rugged but just as handsome version. 

“Here...let me help,” Dean said, blinking a few times as he bent down to dislodge Cas’ foot. 

Castiel could only stare as the very real version of...well... _ everything _ was crouched before him, helping unwedge his foot.  He couldn’t help it, the tears were already there in his eyes the moment Dean touched him and the way it resembled how they first met...it was too surreal.

“Th-Thank you,” he stammered.  Both of them stayed there on the ground just staring at each other before Castiel laughed softly, the tears that had bubbled up finally breaking free, “I can’t believe you’re here right now.”

“Yeah, that makes two of us,” Dean said, a nervous flutter clenched tightly in his gut. It was too painful, he couldn’t stay...couldn’t do this. He didn’t want to hear about Cas’ happy life with his husband and probably kids. The guy always wanted kids, wanted to do things differently than his folks. Dean had felt the same way but never had the courage to voice it when he was that young. 

“I uh, I was just reminiscing. Sorry, I’ll get out of your way…” 

Castiel snatched out his arm, grabbing hold of Dean’s wrist, “Wait, please?  It’s been so long…” he said swallowing hard.  He got up to his feet, fingers still clutched around Dean’s wrist.  When Dean didn’t say anything Castiel let him go, “I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have just...I’ve been reminiscing as well, guess I got lost in all the memories,” he said, his heart clenching tightly.  He wanted so badly to wrap himself around Dean, it didn’t matter how many years had passed or how Dean had broken his heart, Castiel still to this day missed him.  It was an awful truth that you never forgot your first love.

Dean bit back the anger, how easy it must be to casually look back on it all. 

“Yeah, no problem man, later.” Dean turned to go so Castiel couldn't see the sheen of tears on his cheek again. He managed to get a few steps out when a small whine stopped him in his tracks. 

Before Dean knew what he was doing, he’d turned back and pulled Cas into his arms, smashing their lips together in an uncoordinated, biting kiss. It was the same as it always was and yet different too, new in a way he’d never experienced it before. 

Coming to his senses, Dean pulled away harshly…”Sorry..sorry I shouldn’t have done that. I- sorry.” 

A sob tore out of his chest the moment Dean yanked away from him.  It hadn’t been enough, not even close.  With one touch and he was back all those years ago tasting Dean’s lips for the first time.  Learning how good it felt having those arms wrapped around him...it was like a drug he hadn’t had for so long and just barely got a taste of it.  

“Dean you don’t....you don’t have to apologize,” he said trying to take a step closer but every time he did Dean took one away from him.  It angered and frustrated and fucking hurt him each time.

He let out a harsh breath and wrapped his arms around himself, “Is this what you’re going to do around me now?  Push me away?”

The hot white rage filled him up as he looked back at the man his ex boyfriend had become. A dark, hollow chuckle erupted as he spoke, “I never took you for a cheater Cas, and I’m sure as hell not going to be some piece you keep on the side. Tell your husband I said hello, or better yet...don’t.” 

Castiel’s expression turned cold at the mention of his  _ husband _ .  Balthazar had been nothing but a charming, cheating piece of shit.  Just thinking of him made his skin crawl and the humiliation bubble up, “That would be a hard thing to do seeing as how we’ve been divorced for almost six years.  He’s probably off cheating and abusing someone else now,” Castiel spat out, his hand raising to wipe at the bitter tears.  He forced on the ugly, fake smile he used to lie to everyone else and shrugged, “Guess it’s what I deserve huh?  For being so naive and just...hoping someone would actually love me?" Castiel asked with a snort, "Well as you said earlier, later."

It took longer than it should have for the words to actually get into his head but once they did he chased after the man he still loved. 

“No, Cas-No. You don’t deserve that, nobody deserves that; least of all you,” he said, once he managed to get to him. Dean pulled him back in so quick it was almost painful, their bodies still lined up perfectly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know..I thought-it doesn’t matter what I thought. I was wrong then and I’m wrong now too..”

Castiel made a weak attempt at pushing Dean away but it was too much.  Dean still smelled the same, felt the same...and he caved.  He hugged around Dean’s body and cried.  He’d felt so lonely, especially when he’d been married to Balthazar.  God he didn’t even remember why he had said yes in the first place.  It was a poor excuse to try and move on from Dean and only resulted in more heartbreak.

“I missed you so much,” Castiel said, voice so soft he wasn’t even sure Dean heard him.

“I missed you too, Cas…”

Dean took a deep breath, gathering what courage he could find within himself and pulled at Cas’ chin to look into those deep blue eyes that always seemed to leave him breathless. Once he found his voice again, he smiled. “I still love you. Actually, I never stopped, never loved anyone else. I know it's probably too little too late, but I thought you should know.” 

“Dean,” Castiel’s chin trembled as a new wave of tears fell, “I never stopped either...even...even with  _ him,  _ I couldn’t ever let you go.  It made him so angry,” Castiel swallowed through a hiccup and blew out a slow breath, “I still love you too Dean.”

He pulled Cas into another kiss. This time no hesitation, no pulling back. They kissed and kissed until they were both breathless and kissed some more. It was everything he’d never expected to hear and feel again. His heart felt lighter and brighter than it had in, well probably about fifteen years, his body hummed with excitement from every touch.

“C’mon, let me buy you dinner...and then maybe move you into my new house…” he said with a wide grin. When Cas chuckled at him though, Dean just shrugged. “What? I think we’ve been apart long enough.” 

Castiel nodded, “I think so too, and dinner sounds great but only if you’re making it.  I miss your grilling,” he grinned, hugging an arm around Dean’s waist as they began to walk away from the tracks where they had met all those years ago only to reunite in the same place.


End file.
